IN CONTROL

Originally published here on 10/26/05
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Relax. Everything is under control.

Your employer only has enough money to pay you one more month. Your family has to pack up everything and move out this weekend and you have no idea where you’re going to move into. Maybe you’ll have to rent a storage unit, move everything inside for a few months, and sleep on a few floors.

Everything is under control.

Of course, it’s not under MY control. I can barely see over the top of the steering wheel right now. I’m on my knees in the back seat of this car, praying that we make it to where we’re headed in one piece.

The last five months of my life have been some of the most stressful and challenging you could possibly imagine. Even more challenging than the year and a half I spent among the ranks of the unemployed, sustained only by the hand of God and the generosity of others, learning firsthand what ‘Daily Bread’ is really all about. Yes, even more stressful than the day I had almost $2,000 in bills to pay with no fulltime job, and less than one hundred dollars in the bank.

Over these last five months, my wife and I have suffered a miscarriage, gone three months with only half our normal income, endured week after week of uncertainty about where we would live and who I would work for, and now we face the countdown to homelessness.

Everything is under control.

About two years ago I began this journey. I suddenly realized that the Gospel I grew up on wasn’t really the Gospel that Jesus preached at all. It rocked my world. It turned everything upside down.

Following my little epiphany came the realization that I had spent most of my teenage and adult life following Jesus without taking up my cross.

I learned that it’s easier for us to die for Jesus than it is to live every single monotonous day for Jesus.

After this I began to dig into the idea of discipleship, or “follower-ship”, to Jesus. I began to seek first The Kingdom of God and to apprentice myself daily to Jesus as my Lord, and not just my Savior.

Just the other day it dawned on me what the last five months have been about. It’s simply the fruit of my desire to die to myself, to put Jesus first and to carry my cross (the instrument of my personal death to the flesh). Nothing more, nothing less.

So, now my life is out of my control. I have no say in where my finances come from. I have no clue where my family will live next. I have no idea where, or if, I’ll be employed in the next three months.

This is part of what I signed up for.

Of course, just because I don’t know the answers to these questions doesn’t mean that it won’t all work out for us. It just means that I’m not the one in control. God is.

The real question for me is, “Am I ok with that”? Am I ok with not being consulted when it comes to where we live, where I work, how much money we make, or even where we go to church? Because if turning my life over to Jesus is really what I’m all about, then not being the one in control of my life is a major byproduct of that decision.

I have to walk into the darkness ahead of me, leading my family along behind me, with no idea whether or not or next step will be into the abyss or into a blessing.

Everything is under control.