To Believe

Sometimes I've been so focused on discovering what it means to die to myself, and to take up my cross, and to endure suffering as a means to humility, that I forget that God is good and that He loves me and that He takes delight in me.

Somehow both things are true. I need to endure suffering. I need to humble myself. I need to discover the power of Christ in the depths of my own weakness. Yet at the same time, God's love for me is legendary. It is beyond imagination and expression.

Because I can become numb to God's amazing love for me, I sometimes also forget that He loves to bless His children. He loves to give them good gifts. He loves to make them smile.

I've been out of full-time work for about ten months now. Because I've been so fixated on dying to myself, I've started to assume that God really doesn't want to bless me with a great job. When people pray for me and ask God to bring me a job beyond my imagination, or better than my wildest dreams, I unconsciously smirk inside. I seriously doubt those words. I appreciate the sentiment. I am grateful for their kindness. But I doubt the truth of the words in the prayers about God's intentions toward me.

I suspect that God will give me a job that just barely covers rent and bills. Something mundane and possibly even painful and uncomfortable. I mean, the whole reason my family and I have been enduring all of this pain and difficulty and challenge for these 10 months now is all to teach me how to carry my cross and humble myself, isn't it? So, why would my job, whatever it is, whenever it comes, be any different?

I don't know. But, this morning, around 4am I couldn't sleep and I got out of bed. I walked to our den and knelt down in front of the sofa. I prayed and asked my Abba, my Daddy, to please provide a good job for me, soon. I prayed and I asked Him for a job I would really enjoy. I prayed for a place where I could use my gifts and talents and still provide for my family here in Orange County.

As I prayed I began to take courage. I began to feel hope rise up within me again. I recalled a verse from James that says, "You have not because you ask not" and so I started to ask God, from my heart, for what I really hoped for; A new job, a good job, and soon.

I wish I could say I am now totally convinced that all will work out for the best. Right now I think I do. I have a small hope. But, still, something inside me isn't so sure that my season of enduring pain is really about to be over so soon...

Excuse me, I think I need to go back and pray a little more.

peace,
keith