I woke up this morning with the Peter Gabriel song
"Digging in the Dirt" in my head, especially the line, "I'm
digging in the dirt to find the places I got hurt". So, I listened to that
song in the car this morning on my way to work.
As I was talking to the Lord about this I realized that I
had shut myself off from pain, and therefore lost my heart for others.
See, I have a little secret. Over the last several months
now I’ve felt very numb. I have lost my passion for things that used to drive
me and excite me. Even though I have prayed about this often and taken it to
the Lord, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what the cause of this loss of
passion might be, although I had a few suspicions.
I thought that it could be the loss of my friend Robert
Higgins to bone cancer about a year and a half ago. But still I wasn’t sure. I’ve
recently lost a lot of people, a lot of friends, for various reasons and the
pain is still very real to me. Sometimes people have moved away to pursue a
career or to follow God’s calling. Some friends just walked away from me
because of differences in theology. Some just stopped returning emails or phone
calls and I have no idea what, if anything, I did or said to create the space. Others
have drifted away. Some friends that I care about have insulted me or made
comments that have hurt me deeply. Over time, all this accumulation of pain has
slowly paralyzed me.
As I was driving to work listening to the Gabriel song on
my stereo and talking to God about this, I thought about the word, “Passion.” I
had slowly lost my passion for things like poverty, social justice, the Gospel
of the Kingdom, making disciples, organic church, and everything else that used
to interest me. The word passion means literally “to suffer.” Then I thought
about another word, "Compassion" which means "to suffer
with". This is what I had lost. I realized that I had lost my heart of
compassion for others because I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
Essentially, I have retreated to my comfort zone, and I'm
very snuggly and warm and comfortable now. I’m safe and I like it. No one can
hurt me here. But at the same time, I am unable to engage with the people that
God has called me to serve, and to share in the sufferings of those who need to
experience the tangible love of Jesus.
I can think back over the last few months and see places
where I’ve held back from serving or sharing with others. Now I can see why,
and it doesn’t excuse my apathy, but at least now I can sort of understand what
was happening and why.
Now that I’m aware of my situation, I can at least start
to fight my way out of this. But I know it won’t be easy.
Honestly, I’m not sure how to escape this soft, comfy
prison I’ve made for myself. The hardest thing for me right now is to even want
to escape it, because my flesh is resisting the process of stepping out again
into the cold to share in the suffering of others.
It's really just so much easier to stay where I am and
to remain disengaged. At the same time my spirit and my heart know that this is
wrong and that I need to return to the Lord and to take up my cross again and
die to myself. I need those nails. I need to let Jesus crucify this flesh
again.
One of the only people in my life who has stood beside
me, loved me, cared for me, and encouraged me through it all is my amazing
wife, Wendy. Before I left for work in the morning I had shared with her my
confusion over my lack of passion of late. When I got to work I sent her an
email to explain a bit more about what I had discovered after praying in the car
and listening to the song. Her response
to me was to keep on pouring myself out to the Lord in service to others and in
thanksgiving. Then she said she had already heard from the Lord to share a
quote with me that we both love from Mother Teresa that says, “I have found the
paradox that if I love until it hurts, there is no hurt, only more love."
In the end, it’s still all about daily putting myself to
death. It’s about enduring the cross so that I can allow the life of Jesus to
thrive within my heart.
Please God, help me to throw off these soft chains that so easily entangle me, and let me press on to the high calling of sharing in the sufferings of Jesus, my Lord and King.
Conversatio Morem! Death to my status quo!
Amen.
-kg
3 comments:
The best post you have written that touched my heart, Keith. Who can not resonate with this struggle? It is common to all of us at one time or another. I personally believe Jesus allows us to go through it because he is always has life in us that works like a tap root to search and stretch deeper than we have ever gone before into the love of God,.
He who despising the shame, sacrificed all for all shares his life as we share his suffering.
I want to put your post in my bible, because I know I will struggle with it again in a future season, as it has been a familiar struggle in my past.
Thanks for sharing so honestly and not rationalizing away what is a tendency for all of us.
May you now start enjoying the wonderful adventure of the depth of Christ's love and see even farther reaches of his kingdom in your life.
Btw, awesome shout out to your wife!!!
thank you for this good post--i printed it so i can contemplate it
Thank you for sharing this. I've gone through this a few times in my life, and was in danger of falling back into it during the last 6 months. Fortunately, God won't let me numb my heart. I tried, and I just can't do it anymore. I guess I'll have to deal with the pain. :)
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