Love: How much is too much?

As we’ve been in the process of helping and serving the homeless here in Orange County, my wife and I, and our house church family, have encountered more than a few challenges.

Sometimes people get concerned that we are doing too much to help people. Some suggest that it would be better for us to allow people to “hit bottom” and sleep in homeless shelters so that they will be more motivated to change their own lot in life. Others feel that we are enabling them to remain in their condition by propping them up from the outside without addressing their internal sin issues more directly. Still others are not comfortable with our helping them in more practical ways because by helping them we might somehow be showing approval to their questionable lifestyles (i.e. – having children out of wedlock, using drugs, abusing alcohol, etc.).

None of these concerns are taken lightly. In fact, over the years, my wife and I have withheld assistance from people who did not take the proper steps towards escaping their condition – whether that be homelessness, or addictions – and we’ve also questioned ourselves at times about whether helping someone does more harm than good.

For example, when the scripture says, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?” (1 John 3:17), maybe the question is really about what the real “need” is. Someone might tell you that their “need” is for $100 to cover their rent. But maybe their real “need” is for someone to help them understand how to budget their money so that they can pay their own rent?

Hopefully I can think out loud here and invite you and others to weigh in on this discussion, because it’s something I’m currently still debating with myself, and because I freely admit that I do not know exactly what I am doing all the time.

My reaction at first was to say that most of these people are not followers of Christ, and so I cannot withhold kindness to them based on their sinful behaviors. After all, doesn’t Jesus urge us to be like God and to show mercy to the “just and the unjust” as God does? (see Matthew 5:44-45)

Secondly, my own spiritual calling and gifting is largely in the area of hospitality and service. Showing practical kindness and serving others is how I communicate the Gospel of Jesus to people. I’m not likely to take 45 minutes to attempt to convince someone to agree with me that Jesus died on the cross for their sins. I am not an evangelist in this sense of the word. However, I do feel that I communicate the truth and the power of the Gospel message by doing acts of service and showing mercy to people in my path. For me, this IS evangelism. It is an apologetic that no one can argue with or disagree with (except perhaps for overly judgmental evangelicals who might say that I am a horrible witness).

So, I’m not very comfortable with the idea of imposing my will onto people by threatening to withhold the grace of God to them if they do not take the steps that I want them to take. For example, it has been suggested that our house church family not help people with addictions unless they agree to attend at least one AA meeting a week and find a job. At first blush this seems more than reasonable. They need jobs and so what’s the harm in adding an incentive? They need to break their cycle of addiction, so what’s wrong with saying that we won’t take care of them if they won’t take care of themselves?

Over the weekend, I spent some time listening to college students share their experiences getting to know the homeless at Isaiah House in Santa Ana. As we shared, the idea of imposing our will on them “for their own good” was brought up. I was reminded of a similar conversation I had regarding church discipline in the house church. In that context, I argued for the power of love and relationship to generate the necessary repentance rather than incorporating an external (or internal) authority structure to threaten people to act righteously. This is still my conviction, and now suddenly I could see how my desire to impose my will upon this homeless family – even though it was for their own good – was the equivalent of “bringing in the Bishop” to address ethical or theological errors in the Body. It seemed inconsistent to argue for the power of love and relationships in one context and to deny it in another.

I caught myself saying, in the discussion on Sunday afternoon at Isaiah House, that it’s better to speak to people out of a sincere love for them; out of relationship; to let people know that because we love them we wish they wouldn’t smoke, or take drugs, or remain homeless. I argued that it was more effective than withholding basic necessities from people as a way to gain leverage over them and coerce them into changing their behavior. Suddenly my theoretical discussion was reflected back at me and I realized that I was in the process of trying to apply pressure to these homeless people in just the same way.

Later this week I sat and talked with my friend Thomas Crisp (a professor of Philosophy at Biola) about this same issue. He agreed that it was an abuse of our authority to treat other human beings this way. In fact, he appealed to the exact same premise found in Dallas Willard’s book, “The Divine Conspiracy” as an example. Our interaction with others should be out of sincere love for them, not tainted with manipulation – even if we think we know what’s best for the person.

Certainly, we treat our children this way don’t we? Yes, but I think in the case of a parent to a child it’s appropriate to set expectations on proper behavior and to impose punishments when disobedience occurs. But this is between a parent and a child, not between one brother to another. I mean, for me to exalt myself over another human being outside my actual family (as if I were their father) is insulting and presumptuous. Maybe even sinful?

For someone in the Body of Christ, authority rests on Jesus and the Spirit of God and the Scriptures, not on me or any other authority figure. Outside the Church it should still be the Word of God and the Holy Spirit who convicts of sin – not you or I. And to be more blunt, what these people need more than a job and more than to be legally married, and more than to be free from their addiction, is Jesus. Only Jesus can change their hearts and only Jesus can convict them of sin and give them a real hope to escape their situation.

So, for me, by showing love for people in practical ways – even in the midst of their sin – we ARE showing them Christ. We are bringing the Word of God and the Spirit of God to them as we continue in relationship with them, as we pray for them, and meet with them, and even as we model right behavior for them.

As we serve people in this way, many of them have made comments to us about the difference our service and mercy and kindness has made in their lives. Even seeing how people love one another, how husbands treat their wives in our fellowship, how children are given a voice, how the poor worship alongside the rich, has challenged them to be more understanding and patient and loving of one another. So, we’re not at the finish line yet, but we have cleared several hurdles in our lane so far.

To be fair, I can understand when someone says that they’re not comfortable helping people who are living in sin. Those are all pretty huge issues for me. Do we, as a church, send the wrong message to people when we bless them in practical ways, even when we know that the entire relationship is outside of God’s perfect will?

If we are called to show extravagant love to those on the edges of society like this, we will have to continually confront these issues and answer these challenging questions. To be honest, anytime you buy a cheeseburger for a homeless person you – potentially – enable that person to spend the $5 they would’ve spent on food to buy alcohol or drugs. So, maybe you should just never help anyone ever again because potentially your help – even a cold cup of water in Jesus’ name – could result in further sinful behaviors.

Maybe it seems I’ve already made up my mind about this, but let me assure you I have not. I am still wrestling with this question. For now, I am inclined to continue to love and serve whoever Jesus puts in our path. Right now I’m leaning towards showing the unconditional love and praying for God to work on their hearts, but even as I write this article I am still not 100% sure.

What do you think?

-kg