My recent epiphany has come as the result of reading the
book, Viral Jesus, by Ross Rohde. It made me realize how weak my faith had
become lately. It brought me both a vision for what could be and condemnation
for what I have been lacking in my walk with Jesus.
In response, God spoke to me through one of the letters of
Fenelon in the book, Let Go, (which seems to have been written specifically for
me). Here’s what I read the other day:
“Do not be like a person I just met a short time ago, who,
after reading the life of one of the saints, was so angry about his own life in
comparison that he completely gave up the idea of living a devoted Christian
life. I know this will not be true of you.” (pg. 26)
So, in one book Jesus revealed to me how far I had fallen,
but in another book he encouraged me not to give up hope.
What I’ve also realized in this process is that the areas of
my life where I have failed to live out my calling as a follower of Christ are
all due to the same failure to die to myself. I can vividly recall moments
where I have allowed my fear of man to keep me from speaking the truth. I can
remember the conversations where I held back the name of Jesus in order to
protect my own reputation. I can replay the scene in my mind – over and over
again – when I let an opportunity to share my faith in Christ slip away because
I was not ready to suffer persecution for my faith.
In each of those moments, scenes and conversations what I
lacked was a willingness to die, even a little bit, so that Christ could live
in me. My cross was somewhere under my desk at work, or in the backseat of my
car in the parking lot.
Suddenly I am aware that death to self is more practical and
tangible than I imagined. Being thought of as “the Christian nut” by my
coworkers is the fruit of embracing my own cross. Having people mock me for
being “Joe Christian” is what it costs to follow my Jesus with everything I
have. Suffering the contempt of my unsaved friends is necessary to the process
of dying to myself. It’s also what makes it possible for the Gospel to impact
the world I live in – and to impact my life as well.
Unless I die to my flesh, I cannot fully experience the
resurrection life of Christ within me.
The real truth. The very shameful and painful and
embarrassing part of it, is that I have loved myself, my status, my reputation,
more than I have loved my friends and my coworkers. That is my own sin. That is
what drives the nails deeper into my heart. I am horrible and selfish. I am the
monster that needs to die. Let me crucify that worthless creature of arrogance
and pride. I want those nails to pierce this flesh. I need to let this dark
person taste the metallic flavor of death on his tongue.
Only Jesus can drive those nails. As much as I long to dance
on the grave of this selfish bastard, I love myself too much to do the deed
myself. So, please, Lord Jesus, make me to lie down on this rugged cross. Bind
my wrists to this cruel beam. Press the tip of that iron nail into my hand.
Lift that hammer, Lord Jesus. Drive it deep. Deep enough that it won’t come
loose again tomorrow.
I need your life, Lord Jesus. I need to know the power of
your resurrection by sharing in your sufferings. I need this constant, daily,
crucifixion if I am ever to reach the end of this road and look up into your
wonderful face. Only then may I lay down this cross of death. Only then may I
lay it aside and rest in your comforting arms.
Until then, I pray, let me be constantly crucified and
surrendered to your perfect will.
Let your Kingdom come, Lord Jesus.
-kg
When people read this and then say to you, “Keith, you’re going too far. You just need to think about God’s love”, know that it is because they themselves have not experienced this kind of brokenness. Don’t listen to them. This IS God’s love! God is creating in you a heart that cries out for His. Do not be deterred! This is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI can very much relate to having to constantly deal with the fear of man. Even very early in my walk with the Lord I would cry out, “Lord, use me”. He would then put me in situations to be used and I would FAIL. Miserably. Not because I would make a mistake….that’s part of the growth process…but because I wouldn’t open my mouth. I was paralyzed by fear of what they would think of me and I’d sit there with the word of the Lord in my mouth and say NOTHING. I would grieve the heart of God repeatedly and He’d let me know it. He’d say, “How can I use you when you won’t even open your mouth?” I still vividly remember these failures. I still feel the pain of them.
I’ve since learned that this is self-idolatry. It looks like fear but it is really PRIDE. This desire in us to preserve our flesh is a hideous beast. The only remedy is death, continual death, losing this life so that the life of God can flow through us. I wish that I could say that I’ve overcome. I haven’t. I have more victories than before, but this is a constant battle. It’s hard to kill self-love.
God bless you Keith. Keep dying, my brother, that the life of God would be raised up in you!
Trevor
Great blog Keith. (as usual)
ReplyDeleteI'm being quite picky I know, but when you say; "I am the monster that needs to die." I get your point, but I don't believe Jesus wants to kill you; rather He wants the 'whole' person He created you to be. Only the lies have to die.